I know him. You know him – maybe you’ve even been this guy ! The annoying know-it-all-but-actually-knows-nothing-(John Snow). If you’re new to whisky, here are a few situations that will help you spot the guy and avoid him at all costs!
–> He has visited one distillery during his honeymoon trip to Scotland 10 years ago and took all the storytelling – he remembers – for actual scientific facts. Of course, he will only ask for whiskies from this specific distillery (because it’s the best, I mean, the tour guide said it was so unique!), and in case you don’t have the bottle he’s looking for, he’s not interested in trying something similar and discover a new whisky – he will probably go for a beer. I often refer to this behaviour as the “Oban symptom“, because for some reason (probably because they are on many touristic itineraries), some distilleries are more affected than others by this single-distillery condition: Ben Nevis, Oban, Edradour and Glengoyne amongst the most mentioned. Congrats to them for being so impactful though ! 😉
–> This same John McKnowledge will also be the one asking very specific questions that actually don’t really matter, mainly about water, because he heard water was VEEEERY important to whisky and has an important influence on the end product. Well, guess what, it doesn’t have much impact, especially from a non-Charles Maclean point of view.
If this guy has ever visited Islay, you’re in for a treat…
–> When he orders a whisky, he feels the need to specify loudly and with a weird feeling of pride “neat please” #ImAGrownUpNow – like he’s part of some sort of elite that KNOWS. Dude, if you’re in a specialist whisky bar, your dram will automatically be served without ice or mixer (oh and btw, do not despise whisky cocktails or long drinks because you’ll be missing out!). People willing ice or mixer should be the ones specifying so, not you, because you’re the fucking norm here !
–> He’s also the one later in the evening, after sipping a few Cask Strength whiskies, coming to the barman and asking what those water droppers on the counter are here for… Man, you said you were an expert earlier? Oh well, when you then explain the purpose of those droppers he looks at you with a patronising look “lil’ girl, aren’t you stupid, whisky shouldn’t be diluted !”
–> Sometimes he’s very easy to detect, he simply walks into the bar with a couple of friends he wants to impress, walks in front of them straight to the counter without even a look for the whisky list or bar back and ask for a Japanese Whisky, almost blinking, thinking he’s so in the game!
–> He’s the one that will ask something like “I’m looking for a whisky similar to Talisker Distillers Edition“, proud to be very specific, showing his expert knowledge — “hmm but which one then?” “errr” – Allright then Mister ShowOff, if you wanna be specific to brag in front of your Tinder date, at least do your homeworks!
You probably have even more examples like the above, and I would be more than glad to hear them, do not hesitate to share them on social media so that we can all stick together against the fake -annoying- connoisseur 😀
Also, don’t forget this is purely humoristic and shouldn’t be taken too seriously…
Cover Pic: timeout.com